Friday, June 1, 2007

Impasse

I shall start with a quote from Siobhan Davies
- There's that dilemma - you want an audience to really enjoy what you're doing, and sometimes that requires them to know a lot about your subject.
So this post might sound absurd.

I was walking on an obscure road. The person walking in front of me seemed to be in some hurry. A Rs 100 note fell down from his pocket. I was the only one who saw it...... rest of the world totally oblivious to it. I knew the guy....i don’t know from where...or how.... "The guy wont even realize he lost 100bucks; let alone who took it" I thought to myself.....strangely aware of his well being. An ironic grin flashed as I unknowningly felt my empty pockets.
I really wanted those 100 bucks. "They are much more precious to me!"...I tried to reason with myself.

I woke up and felt terrible.....
“No one was watching! So what if I felt like taking it? Big deal!!” I tried to cheer myself up. But the contrition almost made me puke!
“What rubbish!" I thought as I clenched my fists to defeat this voice; "I didn’t even pick it up! " ......It didnt help.
"Yeah right!! So now am I supposed to be broke AND penitent??" I wasn’t going down without a fight....this was an attack on my self respect. But the feeling was obdurate.
"What am I?.....a freaking priest?"....i kept delivering blows hoping to get over this deleterious guilt trying to conquer my very BEING!
"Anyone would feel what i felt"...I kept going.

But like all bad dreams......it refuses to leave me.....it haunts me every time I face myself. I wish I could figure it out.....
I have done terrible things in past. This greed doesn’t even come close to any of them! Why then must this stupid question trouble me so much?

The answer might lie in the following-
'Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, 'Something is out of tune!!!'

1 comment:

life happens said...

small implusive fites get obsessive at times....